After studying so much criminal law – begin to think more and more that lawyers should totally be the most admired ppl around. I mean we find ways and means to set ppl free! LEGAL too! Like none of those break jail bars crap – like literally we spend ALL our time giving guilty people second chance. Showing that morally culpability does in fact play a part in society.

Of course, the more I read the more I also know for sure that CRIME DOES NOT PAY!

But for all those out there who lie, cheat and lust after your neighbour’s stuff, I mean – we’re good for you!

So – why are lawyer’s hated?

Is that manifestly unjust or what? Is it ‘cause we represent the guilty and the innocent alike? Are you out for retributive justice? Are you out for BLOOD!?! Why is it because you are so morally clean? Is it because you yourself never lust after your neighbour’s you-know-what… ???

In the same theme of battle –

Been thinking that there is to be said a lot for the attainment of a goal.

Why do people go to war? For the nation? For the glory? For the attainment of a political goal that is set so high – as to esteem the dream of a utopian life?

Yes, a glorious government that will assuage the needs of all the plebeians.

The plebeians – that’s you and me.

And that’s what we go through life looking for.

Something to achieve, to desire, to long for, to look for, to cherish and to die for.

In us lay an invisible longing for a purpose… we’re all looking for the thing that will scream, “I’m doing something important with my life.”

Yes, many have written religion off as that desire. That desire to find something to be fanatical about… to feel a part of something… to feel healed by the acceptance of the group in the pursuit of some nonsensical/non-existent god.

Perhaps that may be so… the lie we tell ourselves as we dismiss the longing within to be part of a greater purpose and the “God-shaped vacuum” in our hearts. And we continue in our selfish pursuit of greater achievements and satisfy our desires with the temporal.

It’s scary thought – the frightening thought that at the end of our lives we’ll look back and see that we’ve left nothing on this earth as a legacy. And that leads us to pursue the goal of love. We seek the love that will prove to us that someone (at least one person) loves us, and understands us enough to be our second half.

And perhaps if we’re really lucky – the all-consuming love and desire will burn away all thoughts of purpose and in our children we’ll live out the attainment of the dream of “greater good”. What is this “greater good”? The best that he or she could ever be? What for?

And we circle back to the question of why we’re doing what we’re doing now.

Why we’re here. Why we’re going through life. Why are we suffering the pain and grievances in this existence we call Life. And what the end brings. What does the end bring? Eternal damnation? Eternal bliss? Eternal unconsciousness? The reincarnate life – where we start this cycle all over again? But the reincarnate life doesn’t answer the question – just merely evades it and say that we live again to repent for the wrongs we’ve done in the past life of which we know nothing of.

And thus I conclude that there MUST be some reason we’re here for. It’s probably not self-gratification. Maybe it’s the purpose of the salvation of all mankind of the evil grips of authoritarian/dictatorial governments. But that brings the question of who has set you that purpose.

You can’t escape it. Existentialism doesn’t answer it either – to live merely to exist and to be created by the events that shape us. Don’t we instinctively have desires and longings? Like, the instinct to love and to be loved?

And how many religions present a God that loves us and awaits our love in return? How many religions tell of a God that loved us so much, that He calls us His children and gives us the purpose of bringing the rest of the nations under His love? He created us to be loved by Him. Because He created us – He knows everything about us – He’s everywhere and knows everything and know all our little secrets – yet He loves us still. He loved us so much that He took upon our sins and died, so that we might live eternally.

That’s why there’s that longing for love. That’s why there’s that longing for a purpose. We’ve been created for a purpose (yes He has plans to prosper us and not to harm us.)

It’s amazing isn’t it? Sigh… (*bliss*). (=

Think the reason we run form activity to activity without pause and plan our schedules with numerous events, is to assuage the grimness of Time.

When we’re running we’re going with its flow…

However, when we stop and actually breathe… we’re assaulted by its full weight… where Time drags the temporal perimeter around all the tangled messed-up pieces of our lives on top of our weary shoulders.

I guess you end up looking yourself full in the face and staring yourself in the eye… until the bone-wearied half-self of “who-you’ve-become” looks away in shame… battle-worn and scarred with emotional backlash, trudging on forward to the end of a battle yet unseen.

Not to overtly dramatise, but life is like an emotional battle. An emotional battle to stay sane; to fight with courage a battle where honour is scorned and chivalry is mocked, kindness is misconstrued and love – the war trophy we carry home when the battle is over.

Or is the battle ever over?

When we think our lives sated with the promise of sweet love – do we merely ride the wave of an emotional high – precious yet short-lived? And the next day… fall in line again in preparation to show the world the stuff we’re made of. Yes. We can conquer the world.

Guess when we’re feeling worthless and fighting a battle, the purpose for, we’ve long forgotten… bone-tired and weary… fearing for tomorrow, tired of the dirty clothes and the aching feet and the same bomb shelled scenery – we’ve got to put the whole battle into God’s hands.

If God has placed us in this crazy world of emotional ups and downs and surrounded us with so great a crowd of witnesses… might it just be… ever so slightly… that He might have some purpose for us in this battle?

Think if my commander-in-chief said… “March until you reach the moon”… I’d be a fool to say… “Well… my feet are aching and I really need a shower right now… can You send someone else instead? And pls hand me that martini and while You’re at it, pls send me all the way to Malibu, park a red convertible in my garage and give the keys to my butler. When You leave… just send in the gorgeous boys… thanks.”

People say, “Ah cherie, you are so excitable and agitated! Come ma cherie, there is no need to be so wrought up! There is no battle! There is no fight! Come now c’est la vie … just drink a lot, play a lot… life is like a box of chocolate yes? Tut, tut… all this worry is making you wrinkled… ah such a pity! Smile my dear. Live life such that you enjoy every moment of it – and never regret. We have to try it all! Taste it all, my pet! Ah Sweet Life… no you are mistaken… there is no battle. You are stressed over nothing. Come cherie let’s dance.”

People say that, “life is not worth living if the sole purpose of your existence is to continue your existence.” Isn’t that the same as living merely for pleasure? If the main existence of your life is for the accruement of more pleasure and seeking faster, better, bigger, snazzier, sexier, funkier pleasures… isn’t it all circular in the end?

If there were no steps in a perfect dance… would it be as sweet?

Would attaining eternal glory be as glorious if there were no steps to attaining it?

When we learn the steps of a slow dance, the mistakes are painful – but that night at the dance floor… everything is worth it. I guess it’s the same for eternal glory. The steps are painful but at the end, you might stumble and fall and sometimes you wonder why the hell are you even doing this. But in the end, when you receive the eternal crown – isn’t all worth it in the end?

Do you hear the calling of the wind, the whispering of the sun and the music of the hills – oh the beauty of all God’s creation. The brief rays of the winter sun shinning forth breaking onto the pavement like the vestiges of summer sun – dragging long shadows on the ground as if reminiscing the springtime dusk. Ah the smoky hills, the catch of flute-piped timbre across a misty lake and the calm, the peace that accompanies the image – ah but a very faint imprint on the mind –

as the glare of light against the metallic sheen of cars manoeuvring and out-manoeuvring one another in a parking lot, changing places and finding a restful goal and then moving on again – like the inane mechanism of some large child playing with toys.

To break the silence of the image, to do a great unjust to the accompanying peace – is to return to reality. The break of a romantic silence etched, like a painfully sweet suck of breath when breaking the surface of the water, into my heart. Aye, and painfully so. To long for silence and peace – or to fool oneself?

In the brink of drunken oblivion – peacefully following the rat race and flowing with the tide. Surging with the ride? Managing to comply to the water’s every will and in due coursing moving your body to its course, altering your own – becoming like all around you… another drop in the sea. Aye, and even as we grasp at the firm earth, we are swept back again into the arms of the ocean. Are we hovering in oblivion? Are we merely half of what we could be? Floating in limbo – not fully living, but not yet dead?

Awaiting the event that will change you life … hoping that it will be soon … but deliberating which of your life’s events you are willing to give greater importance than the rest.

Hiding in the mystery and untold attraction for another’s culture, another’s language and another’s heritage. To see the exoticism behind the smile of another and the glimmer of hope behind a veil of cultural bonds that hold us different – to dream the dream of angels, to speak the speech of many years pass and to feel the headiness of knowledge unknown and of life yet lived.

It really doesn’t seem like its going to happen.

Been in a sorta limbo – the kind where you’re not sure which dimension of your life you should actually step in. And yesterday, went to check out the Botanical Gardens with Indriana for Sunday’s UWC selection camp. 2hours straight of walking in the hot sun, and no drink store in sight. It was the best can of H20 I’ve had ever. Yet, while walking home, (yesh more walking), there comes with hard work, a sense of fulfilment and achievement and satisfaction. 成就感. You know? Heh and while I was tired and while I was imagining the hundred and one things I have yet to do… I looked around me and decided that I’ve settled in.

Yeps. I’ve settled in.

I think if I left now, I’d miss Singapore lots and lots and all the ppl here.

And while I miss … everywhere else… I think I’m home and that’s where I wanna be.

For now.

And I’m still in process of self-spring-cleaning and the renewal… yet in moving on, you wonder if everyone else you’ve known, has moved on too. And though you miss them, and you think about them and wish they were here or you with them… you’ve kinda settled in too. You’ve began to do things that don’t require them anymore.

And its all about routine really. Once you get into it… you no longer feel loss. And ppl who fit into your routine, help keep your balance. Like Sumei… who is far away now. And now and then, I’d catch myself thinking, well… I should call Sue and go watch a movie, cuz I have time now. Or maybe I’ll call her, and finally we can go shopping or something… Or just to call her about the day. Life is kinda off-balance for a while.

But you only miss things, when they’re gone. And its true about ppl too.

Like reading ppl’s blogs. It’s weird when you see ppl’s lives moving on in their own ways, without you in the pictures anymore. Or hearing ppl talk about you, when you were there with them. Today I found someone’s blog, to whom I was close to before… really struck me about the kind of person I thought I was, and what other’s saw of me.

And its scary.

You only know as much of yourself as you delude yourself with and I think, I was pretty deluded. Thought I was hearing God’s voice, but maybe I was deluding myself then. Thought I was planting seeds, but maybe I was pushing ppl away. And that’s scary.

Gotta open my ears to the prompting of the Holy Spirit! Not my will, but the will of God. You imagine that you are doing good things, but you don’t know how they actually turn out. And it can go horribly wrong. Trust in the Holy Spirit’s leading. Gotta trust.

Ahh… we must ALWAYS watch what we say, or we can end up hurting lots of ppl. And abt being salt of the earth and all that… it’s true! And EVERYTHING we do… can be of effect! Bad or good. Let my words be pure and may they uplift others and not to make others fall.

Oh and driving was FUN! btw hehehe... yay!

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love,
Where there is injury, pardon
Where there is doubt, faith,
Where there is despair, hope,
Where there is darkness, light,
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much
seek to be consoled as to console,
not so much to be understood as to understand,
not so much to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
it is in dying that we awake to eternal life.

St. Francis of Assisi

Home View - sky from this part of the town... sunny skies baby...

Prayer Group Buddies - I think... we're H-A-P-P-Y! hehe...

Prayer Group Outing - Yeps the gathering of beautiful ppl, hehe... Lunch and Movie (I not stupid too!)... good moive, good casting... bit teary, thought-provoking... i like... tastes like home =)

Beautiful Botanics =) yesh this is where we plan to torture the applicants, muahah... yesh this exact spot. Indriana and I in the sweltering heat.

Yesh the scary ugly ducky... uh Swan... (check out the closeups!) its giving me the evil eye... kewl...

Music is kinda like that.

Except music brings to mind many pictures. Music brings to mind pictures of places. Happy music brings to mind happy places… sometimes these places are memories and sometimes these places are a figment of our imagination… a utopia that music conjures or even the stereotypes of a place we’ve never been, but have heard of.

Music is like fanciful dreaming but with accompaniment and lots of emotion. Different instruments stir up different feelings and brings to mind different emotions. Each instrument is unique to a certain culture… and if the tune brings that emotive culture through that instrument… sometimes it doesn’t matter if you’ve never seen this place the culture originates from.

Maybe that’s why I like music so much. It’s like oxygen… if there wasn’t music in the world… I’d probably suffocate.

Like right now… listening to classical guitar… soft strumming that resonates years of emotive history and years of learning… sometimes playful, sometimes sad… but with a kind of candour and forwardness shown through the composer and the artiste that words can hardly begin to describe.

And in mind is I see the narrow streets of Venice, the quiet churches in the lost little corner piazzas. The stillness of purpose and peace as people slowly enter the church, in reverent calm. So much history behind those walls and in their culture. Its like stepping into another dimension, where time just stops… the echo of someone practising the organ … the shuffle of skirts as old ladies walk past the pews to the altar… the drip of water on still water, as parishioners dip their fingers in a bowl of holy water, before crossing themselves with a detachment, that seems as if they are communicating within, to Someone without. The coolness of the church, far from being eerie, seems like a haven of respite from the glare of the sun outside. The gruesome detail of martyrs depicted on the walls… no longer frightful, but a solemn encouragement to those who are persecuted today.

Music is fanciful. Let’s face it… it creates calm where there is not.. .and it can bring discord, where there is harmony. Music is so vital to my peace of mind.

I never understood how far my love for reading would be taxed.

I’m never more grateful for this love and every night I thank God that unlike many people who ended up in law school, reading is something I can enjoy.

Weee…

There are just so many things I want to read… I want!

Oscillating between reading for work and reading for pleasure… there really isn’t time to do anything else but read.

Yet, even doing the things that one loves can be simply impossible without the right kind of support. Thanks for lending me your strength. Supporting me through more than you’ll ever realise…

Lol. Maybe some other time… heh

It’s pitiful – haha… Coltrane brings back such nostalgia …

Oh be still my heart…

Oh traitorous emotions… its already 2^nd sem… get over it.

When you think you’re over it – something will come around and smack you in the face… see, see? You’re still thinking abt me...

Questions of sanity…

Can anyone truly miss dorm life? Damn… the convenience of living in a minute space… your whole life fitting in a single room…

I guess it’s the thought of something so completely yours in every aspect…

Oh well

C’est la vie.

I miss my christmas lights and bright red bedsheets. Heh... oh yes i do.

I believe in the mysteries of God, of healing and of miracles and absurd revelations.

“I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, And bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent.” Isaiah 29:14

I believe in the hidden wisdom which God has ordained before the ages for our glory.

“Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, Nor have entered into the heart of man The things which God has prepared from those who love Him.” Isaiah 40:13

It’s amazing what a short span of a month, a year can do to a person. It’s pretty amazing really to look back and see all the things that have happened and still believe that they have.

With the miracles God has worked in my life, I’d be a fool to doubt the presence of God – yet going into 2006 is a pretty scary entrée. Seeing all the mysteries God has revealed just in 2005, I’d be a fool to not expect the unexpected… and knowing that God is with me and leading me… I’m still scared.

So many things have come and gone, and worldviews have changed so drastically that I’m still panting after the whirlwind of emotions that have passed me by and desperately calling after them “hey wait up, I still don’t know your names yet!”

Coming back home from the short weekend getaway to Malaysia, I realise yet again how empty the home is without Tiffany in it. Thought that I could talk it out… all that has happened… yet with the two of us competing for airtime, seemed impossible to catch up all that has not been said. It’s silly, since its not the first time she has left, nor the first time I’ve been without her, but I still catch myself wandering from room to room like a lost pup, wondering what’s missing? Then I’d realise that everything is still the same… just a bit neater perhaps – uh whatever, yeah a whole lot neater now. Heh.

So the inevitable happened – and it is now 2006… and Christmas carols are fast disappearing from shops. That makes me sad. Heh I like Christmas carols. Much of the jazzier ones remind me of snow and a real wintry city, where Christmas lights and décor grace every bit of the concrete jungle and warm Christmas lights, bring cheer to a night that comes on a little too fast. Not for me though… I like nights. Heh.

So – yeah, I miss being overseas and since I love winter… I miss that too… ski and snow and mistletoe … uh yeah… heh… it rhymes.

So to end Dec:

My darling new Canon Ixus =)

Birthday Lunch with Godma

The Sensibles! I love my Youths! Yay!

Wisdom Teeth OUT!

Church Camp 2005

Grandparent's 50th Anniversary

Puzzle Making

Mark's wedding

Just Fun



Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year =) !

"The Orientation" the production

Tiff's Farewell Dinner

Malaysian Trip =)

hey... i guess... i don't even who actually reads my blog and becuz of late... or especially of late... when desperation escalated to the highest point... i've been pretty uh nerve-wrecking person to be around with. I want to thank everyone... everyone... for patience... for love and for sticking it out and being there. I know its been hard... but you guys are great. Luv y'all...

sum it all up... coming home its been a white-water raft journey of being swept up in God's amazing grace...

hard-lessons learnt... gotta decrease, for God to increase... got to be empty to understand what it means to be filled, gotta be low to feel God lifting me above the storm... and to truly feel the Spirit moving and to see... like really really see... what God is sayin, like not just know what he says, you know like "peace i give unto you, not as the world gives..." but truly understand what it means but not needing the peace of the world... and only hankering for the peace of God.

Pure joy.

And for the first time, I think I'm free...

When you align your priorities with that of God... it seems things move... they fall into place, they go God's way, because it not your life you're trying to make/create/discover/hold onto anymore... when you are absolutely powerless and weak and unworthy and backed in a corner... and you just give up doing things your own way, you give up fighting your fight, trying to defend yourself... to be yourself…

Then you see how God's grace is MORE than sufficient for you. He is GOD. He is works in MARVELOUS ways... He shows you that all you need is Him. ALL you need is Him.

And when I totally gave up and I was like... that's it... give up. There is nothing left. No one can help me. I can’t help me… that’s it. Can’t go nowhere … God I need a miracle. No no… I need You… gotta be rite with you… Spirit fill me.

And Bam. He’s there… He’s everywhere!!

And I see… why? Why did I fight so hard? Why did I try so hard? All I needed to listen… to truly listen… to devour Your word… to acknowledge truly acknowledge supremacy… to hand over the wheel… to be filled… to surrender…

TOTAL surrender.

Take my world apart. Watch the world I use to love fall to dust and thrown away. Did You really have to die for me? So steal my heart and take the pain, take the selfish take the weak, take the things I cannot hide, take the beauty take the tears, take my world apart.

And then you realise, it IS by grace that we live. Gotta get some of that grace… its great… claim it…

And I have to say… when the Spirit moves you… He moves you.

Tort exam: started studying 2 days before. No joke… at that stage it was not even a let’s hope for a miracle. It was plain… there’s no hope. Don’t care anymore good bye. So… sad to say… it was only at that point … I surrendered all to God. ALL… and I didn’t pray for grades, didn’t pray for crazy memory and excellent study habits… just wanted the rest of my study time to be a sacrifice to Him.

Uh yea, it wasn’t until after the exam I realise, that there was not one time since that prayer, that He didn’t provide. Maybe I did crap, but that’s not the point. The point is that He sustained me every minute, every second from that time on. I managed to study, I managed to pray, really pray, to read His word and feel it to internalise it, to sleep, to rest, to work again, to have peace, to understand the exam question, to have time (to have TIME) during the exam… even to check! … hah… and a million of little things… like not having to have to go to the washroom during the exam (stomach flu lar)… aiyah…

and our God is Jehovah Jireh. He is our Provider. And He leads me besides still waters and makes me lie down in green pastures and beside still waters. He sets a table before mine enemies and anoints my head with oil and my cup runneth over… He is the God who’s names is above all names. We claim the name of the Lord.

1 Samuel 17: ⁴⁵ Then David said to the Philistine, "You come to me with a sword and with a spear and with a javelin; but I come to you in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. ⁴⁶ This day the LORD will deliver you into my hand, and I will strike you down, and cut off your head; and I will give the dead bodies of the host of the Philistines this day to the birds of the air and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel, ⁴⁷ and that all this assembly may know that the LORD saves not with sword and spear; for the battle is the LORD'S and he will give you into our hand."

The battle is the Lord’s, “For we are not contending against flesh and blood, but against the principalities, against the powers, against the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6:12

Surrender and Trust. Amen

Artist: Jars Of Clay 

Album: Jars Of Clay 

Song: Worlds Apart 

Somehow it all adds up the same 

Soaring on the wings of selfish pride 

I flew too high and like Icarus I collide 

With a world I try so hard to leave behind 

To rid myself of all but love, 

To give and die 

To turn away and not become 

Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves 

More deeply than the oceans, 

More abundant than the tear 

Of a world embracing every heartache 

Can I be the one to sacrifice 

Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow 

To love you - take my world apart 

To need you - I am on my knees 

To love you - take my world apart 

To need you - broken on my knees 

All said and done I stand alone 

Amongst remains of a life I should not own 

It takes all I am to believe 

In the mercy that covers me 

Did you really have to die for me? 

All I am for all you are 

Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart 

And I pray, 

To love you - take my world apart 

To need you - I am on my knees 

To love you - take my world apart 

To need you - broken on my knees 

I look beyond the empty cross 

Forgetting what my life has cost 

And wipe away the crimson stains 

And dull the nails that still remains 

More and more I need you now, 

I owe you more each passing hour 

The battle between grace and pride 

I gave up not so long ago 

So steal my heart and take the pain 

And wash the feet and cleanse my pride 

Take the selfish, take the weak, 

And all the things I cannot hide 

Take the beauty, take my tears 

The sin and soaked heart and make it yours 

Take my world all apart 

Take it now, take it now 

And serve the ones that I despise 

Speak the words I can't deny 

Watch the world I used to love 

Fall to dust and thrown away 

I look beyond the empty cross 

Forgetting what my life has cost 

So wipe away the crimson stains 

And dull the nails that still remain 

So steal my heart and take the pain 

Take the selfish, take the weak 

And all the things I cannot hide 

Take the beauty, take my tears 

Take my world apart, take my world apart 

I pray, I pray, I pray 

Take my world apart 

and i wake up and look outside and its raining cats and dogs and the skies are dark and dreary... and i'm like... weeee perfect weather for sleeping...
and i get up... take a shower... dry my hair and catch a lift from mom to sch... and there ARE die-hard law students in the libarary... I say... absolutely disgusting... I thought I'd have the library to myself.
haha... and so the first thought that enters my head when I wake is, long sleeves and scarf... and I put on my fav. long sleeves shirt and I realise I'm dying of heat. it really does look like vancouver weather outside comeon... and it looks like its telling me... winter is here... grab that raincoat... pray for snow. wanted to take my trusty starbucks mug to sch with coffee, as i've done manyatimes a blreary winter morning... mmm starbucks mug and caramel vanilla bean...
and i realise...

i've left it in canada...

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt,
Who am I?
That the Bright and Morning Star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart,

Not because of who I am,
But because of what You've done,
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who You are,

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean (ocean),
A vapor in the wind,
Still You hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling,
And You've told me who I am..
I am Yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin,
Would look on me with love,
and watch me rise again,
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me,

Not because of who I am,
But because of what You've done,
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who You are,

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean (ocean),
A vapor in the wind,
Still You hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling,
And You've told me who I am...
I am Yours, I am Yours.

I am Yours,
Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am Yours,
I am Yours.